ADHD in adults! (in relationship)

Written By Pingkan Rumondor

ADHD in Adulthood

What is ADHD?

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is marked by a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity and impulsivity that makes it hard to function in various life domains, including academic, occupational, social and romantic life (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). As a developmental disorder, it cannot develop in adults without it first appearing during childhood, where then the symptoms persist into adulthood (Wozniak, 2022). The way in which inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsiveness affect adults can be very different from the way they affect children. For example, hyperactivity tends to decrease in adults, just restlessness and difficulty relaxing persist, while inattentiveness tends to remain as the pressures of adult life increase.

Adults with ADHD may experience the following types of symptoms:

Hyperactivity & Impulsivity

  • Feelings of restlessness and a need for constant activity or stimulation

  • Difficulty sitting still for long periods and often moving or fidgeting, tapping hands or feet

  • Difficulty keeping quiet, frequently interrupting others or being very talkative

  • Taking risks in activities, often with little or no regard for personal safety or the safety of others

  • Choosing immediate rewards over future rewards or consequences

Inattention

  • Carelessness and lack of attention to detail

  • Inability to focus on tasks or prioritize

  • Poor time management, planning, or organization skills

  • Continually losing or misplacing things

  • Forgetfulness

  • Struggling to listen when spoken to directly

  • Not following instructions, and failing to finish work, chores or other duties

  • Avoiding or disliking tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time

  • Getting easily distracted

How symptoms in adult ADHD influence Relationships

According to a wide range of research on ADHD, individuals with the disorder have social and emotional deficiencies that make it difficult for them to engage in healthy and constructive interpersonal relationships (Barkley, 2006; American Psychiatric Association, 2013; Wymbs et al., 2021). This also significantly impacts intimate relationships, with individuals experiencing more difficulties in romantic partnerships and higher divorce rates (Wozniak, 2022; Huynh-Hohnbaum & Benowitz, 2022). The core symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity, along with emotional lability, contribute to interpersonal challenges (Huynh-Hohnbaum & Benowitz, 2022), where these symptoms are associated with relational alternatives, less constructive responses to partner's behaviors, and negative reactions to conflicts (VanderDrift et al., 2019). Barkely (2006) hypothesized that many socially relevant behaviors in ADHD individuals are affected by deficits in behavioral inhibitions, which are ultimately linked to executive functioning. Furthermore, he hypothesized that people with ADHD have a precise perceptual awareness of interpersonal cues but lack the inhibition to act on them. Their inability to delay their reaction/responses to the cues increases their emotional reactivity, diminishes their capacity for frustration tolerance, and impairs their ability to think through and carry out appropriate behaviors, all of which disrupt interpersonal interactions.

Studies suggest that a range of other emotional and social disruptions are related to non-executive functions like inattention and inability to recognize facial affect (Rapport et al., 2002). Inattention can cause the person suffering from ADHD to miss a crucial emotional or people’s interpersonal cues that causes them to disregard the information necessary for a meaningful conversation. For example, during conversations with their non-ADHD partner, they might have trouble paying attention or forgetting details, resulting in the partner becoming frustrated and even feeling ignored or devalued. Furthermore, their interpersonal skills may be further hindered by their incapacity to read and interpret the available clues accurately since they are unable to respond appropriately and effectively due to their failure to identify others' facial affect (Rapport et al., 2002) and added with their impulsivity, they might blurt out things without thinking which can cause hurt feelings. Their poor organizational and management skills can also lead to difficulty finishing tasks and household chaos, resulting in their non-ADHD partner to feel like they’re always shouldering all the relationship/family duties, and their impulsivity can also lead to irresponsible behavior and decision-making without involving their partner and leading to fights.

Their impulsivity, distractibility, and impaired self-regulation frequently prevent individuals from expressing themselves clearly, which leads to misunderstandings and social neglect (Huynh-Hohnbaum & Benowitz, 2022).

How to Cope and Maintain a Relationship with A Partner with ADHD

As we’ve established, adult ADHD symptoms can cause misunderstandings, frustrations and resentments in a relationship, especially if it has never been properly diagnosed or treated. But love, support and understanding are the foundations to build a healthier and happier relationship with a partner suffering from ADHD. The first step starts with understanding the role ADHD plays and how it affects the relationship. If you’re able to identify the symptoms that are influencing your interactions as a couple, you can discover more effective methods to respond to it (Wymbs et al., 2021).

For the partner with ADHD, this means getting professional help and treatment as it’s important to fully understand yourself. Through it, you can learn to recognize your symptoms and learn how to manage it (Eakin et al., 2004). For the non-ADHD partner, the coping strategies include learning about and understanding your partner’s ADHD, setting limits, and cultivating partnership (Taubin & Maeir, 2023). It’s also important to acknowledge the impact your behavior has on your partner; this means learning how to respond to frustrations in ways that encourage and motivate your partner instead of verbally attacking or nagging them (Wymbs et al., 2021). But also set limits and boundaries to make sure you don’t become a parent-child dynamic and feel responsible for your partner, because it could cause resentments to build in you and demotivate your partner (Taubin & Maeir, 2023). It is crucial for both partners to work together, communicate and support each other during the relationship. Both partners are equal in relationships, they both must acknowledge how both their actions effect each other and how each person contributes to the problems in the relationship.

Studies have shown that integrative couples therapy with a focus on ADHD's positive aspects and cognitive-behavioral interventions targeting relationship maintenance, may offer hope for improving relationship outcomes (Huynh-Hohnbaum & Benowitz, 2022; VanderDrift et al., 2019). Another way to help make the relationship work is through developing a routine and dividing tasks between the couple. This way the ADHD partner can still be organized and make progress with their chores and responsibilities. This will help the relationship to be more stable and equal between the partners and not burden everything to the non-ADHD partner.

Author

Giselda N. H. Alzena

 
Pingkan Rumondor